I was watching this TEDTalk by Elizabeth Gilbert just a few days ago and it stuck with me. It stuck with me because, almost a fortnight ago, I was going to give up writing. I’d been staring at a blank screen everyday for hours at a stretch and not even a blurb about myself was taking shape. It was a harrowing experience.
It was also a point of time in my life when I was truly irritated with everything around me. I felt like a failure, I’d given up on too many dreams and I hadn’t learnt a lot from my past mistakes. Also, something a friend once said kept nagging me. My friend said that I hadn’t lived enough to have experiences to draw from. And it wasn’t a wrong statement. I hadn’t really lived. I want to be a writer. And no, for me, being published would not necessarily mean I’ve become one. Being a writer to me, means being able to write about something when it overwhelms me. And for that, I need to live my experiences right?
All my failures and mistakes were staring me in the face and it was tough to face a blank sheet. People say that you can’t lie to yourself when you look in the mirror. For me, I can’t lie to myself when I’m writing. That’s when everything is at its basest level.
So here I was, feeling thoroughly depleted, drained and wanting to give up on another dream. And then, a few days ago, the same friend was kind enough to share this talk with me. Now, I won’t go into what Gilbert said. I’ll link in the video for your perusal.
What I want to focus on is how this talk made me realize that as long as I was turning up at the table with the intention of writing, I was doing my job. It truly made me stop thinking about opinions. And somewhere, it even made me realize that I needed to stop setting abnormally high standards. I was the bumbling idiot on the wheelchair who wanted to dance before she learnt to support herself on her own feet.
And so, this here, is an attempt to regain that balance on my feet before I aim to dance. I’m going to keep showing up and writing. It might be boring or uninspired or simply self-absorbed, but I’m still going to keep working and hope that my daemon loves me again as much as it used to and whispers unendingly in my ears.