When I started with my NaBloPoMo attempt, I was aware of how much of a dedication to writing was required. I thought I would be able to post everyday. What I feared was having nothing to write about. And yet, it wasn’t a lack of ideas or even a lack of time that made me lose steam barely 10 days into the month. It was a complete lack of effort. For the first time in so many months, I’d had ideas streaming in all the time; every few moments. And when I sat down to write, I’d lose focus. I’d talk to people, start reading articles or even listen to music.
I can’t really figure out why it was so tough to do something I wanted to do so badly.
I don’t really understand me anymore. I don’t see myself working hard towards something. I don’t see myself pushing my boundaries; hell, I haven’t even made efforts to really figure out where it is that my boundaries lie.
When people say that at times, it’s easy to lose track of what one wants or who one really is, they mean that the phase is transitionary. That one shouldn’t fret and should continue to believe that it’ll pass. But when I fail so miserably at a not-so-herculean task, I have to force myself to face the fact that maybe I’ve changed. Maybe, I don’t have the drive anymore? Just maybe, this isn’t transitionary? Coz, if it were, it wouldn’t stick for so long now would it? And what makes me cringe even further is that if it is not transitionary, just how do I get myself to feel like making an effort when I’ve become so darn complacent?