Tag Archives: musings

The Absence of Happiness

They say:
It’s all in your head
That you’re merely overthinking
That you must at least make an effort.
They think that you chose this.
That’s not okay.

It’s bad enough that your brain
repeats the same words,
till you’re defenseless
and huddled in a corner,
yearning for a moment’s solitude
from your maddening thoughts.
But the well intentioned people
that surround you don’t understand.
That’s not okay.

They won’t understand
that sometimes breathing
is all you’re really capable of.
They won’t understand
that sometimes, even that feels pointless
and like too much effort.
They won’t understand
the emptiness that’s gnawing your insides
and eating you away,
one happy moment at a time.

We’re conditioned to think poorly
of the people fighting
the demons within their heads.
To ignore their suffering,
pretend it isn’t happening.
That’s not okay.

But perhaps they’ll understand
if you give them a suitable metaphor.
That you’re being chased by a Dementor
and your Patronus, or theirs,
cannot cannot chase it away.
No amount of chocolate will revive you
from the havoc already wreaked.
That this absence of happiness
is not by choice.

And maybe then,
instead of badgering you…
they’ll help you practice your spells
so that in the future, you’ll be okay.
And that, is so much better than just okay.

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Filed under Inspired by other creative works, Introspective, klash, Poetry, The world around me, Things that confuse me, Uncategorized

Choking…

The struggle of putting words on paper
is so very real.
It seems as if my words are choking
under the pressure of my sadness.
But every now and then
a scream pierces through the gag
and I spit out the words
because keeping them in makes me sick.

 
 

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Filed under Inspired, Introspective, Poetry, Uncategorized

Homesickness

Homesickness.

Everyone says it can happen quite frequently in the first couple of months that you live away from home. It’s almost a rite of passage when you move away. I guess, even more so when you leave the country. The better part of the past two years of my life have been spent in the UK. It’s been a marvelous experience but I haven’t really missed home. Apart from an initial bout of homesickness when I first moved here in 2013, I haven’t had this incomprehensible surge of irrationality that eviscerates all logical thought. Sure, I’ve missed home and my family and friends. But I haven’t wanted to just drop everything and run home. And now, when I’ve had this persistent feeling for two days…I don’t really know how to deal with it.

Nothing’s changed. And yet, I feel completely different.

I know that a huge part of this yearning is because I’m missing out on my annual feast of literature. Every January, as a new year present and a pre-birthday celebration, my city transforms from a historical and tourist destination to a destination for art, culture, language and most crucially…literature. For five days, people with a deep-seated love for language come together under one massively overpopulated roof and celebrate everything it can possibly convey. Within the stuffily overcrowded halls, we huddle together and converse on every aspect of languages. Literature, fiction, journalism, poetry, forklore and social commentary – we have it all. It’s like we take a hiatus from our preoccupation with existence and focus on living.

My yearning for the festival isn’t blinding me to the social drama that plays out simultaneously. Nor am I forgetting the bitching, author tantrums, political drama and the constant one-upping of the program coordinators. Even with the incessant commercialization of the festival and its transformation into a page 3 carnival, the Jaipur Literature Festival is essentially a celebration of knowledge and culture. It really did feed my soul and provide me sustenance. Not being able to attend it isn’t as excruciating as not being able to spare a few hours to catch up on what’s been discussed. Perhaps I’d be less wistful if I could take a moment and just listen to the speakers. Perhaps I could even be happy with the content and ignore the joy of experiencing the event.

I guess it doesn’t say anything appreciable about me when I feel more yearning towards a literature festival than the possibility of spending time with my family. But that is a demon for another day. Today, I have to contend with this ache.

And I don’t know how to do that.

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Filed under Introspective, Life at University, Things that confuse me

As I kissed you
while you were asleep;
you unraveled like a flower
submitting to the bees.

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Filed under Inspired by other creative works, Poetry, The world around me

Boxed, broken memories

Boxes littered in every space
half full of fragmented memories.
All stifled in bubble-wrap
to fade away in the attic.

Halved sets of china,
incomplete sets of cutlery
One from a pair of crystal flutes
One half of a wedding portrait
One quarter of a family
One lifetime of enduring stories.

Maybe someday, the trinkets will be lost
and perhaps, the shadow on my finger will fade
But what of the broken promises?
And of the heartache that does not fade?

Inspired by the childhood game of creating boxes on an empty piece of paper. 😀 Yes! The mind does work in crazy ways. 😀

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Filed under Introspective, Poetry

Autumn Days…

If I stay still
for the smallest spell
I can drown in the silence
surrounding the rustling leaves
when it’s ravaged by breeze.

If I pause
to gather a breath
the crisp, dry air fills
my lungs and pierces me
with musk and mulch.

And if I amble alongside
the meandering gravel path
the fallen leaves
decay into clay
beneath my cumbersome feet.

But for all its romanticism,
autumn is cold and daunting
with the threat of icy winters
kissing you goodmorning…

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Filed under Life at University, Poetry, The world around me

Yearning

Maybe letters
are better afterall.
In them,
I can touch
the words that
oozed out of you.

Maybe paper
is sentimental
for in your absence
I can touch
something
once of yours.

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Filed under Poetry, The world around me